


Hiraeth

by AvengersCompound (emilyevanston)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Loss, Love, M/M, Memories, Multi, Polyamory, Survivors Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 02:23:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17255861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyevanston/pseuds/AvengersCompound
Summary: Steve misses his home and gets caught up in his memories of it.





	Hiraeth

It’s funny how when you look back at your past it’s through rose tinted glasses.  It’s always the good old days when you spoke about them.  You always think about the things you missed and not about the stuff that made your life hard.

Steve missed so much.  He missed his mother with a burning ache.  Sometimes in that zone between waking and sleep, he’d think about the life he had now, the one he shared with you and Bucky and for a split second, he’d forget Sarah was gone and want to tell her.  The immediate and sudden realization she’d died around 65 years ago was almost like losing her all over again.

He missed the Howlies.  The first group of people he really had thought of as friends.  He missed their humor and snark and the way he knew they had his back. He had wished he had gotten to see what had become of them.  What their lives had panned out like.  He missed that he had missed that.

He missed Peggy.  He missed her smile.  Her ability to take absolutely no shit from anyone.  The way she never let herself be intimidated.  The way she saw him.  The real him in a way no one else really did.  Aside from his mom and Bucky that was.  He missed that he never had a life with her.  He imagined what that life would have been like and it was so different from the one he had now.  Not the white picket fence, but closer to that than what he had now.

He would look back on that life and see this big mass of missed potential.  Of children that were never born.  Weddings that were never had.  Cookouts never held.  Family dinners never eaten.  A mother’s pride he had yet to earn even though it had been freely given.  Thinking of his old life was like a dull ache, and while he hated himself for thinking it, a large part of that was because he missed Bucky.

God, how he hated himself for thinking things like that.  He had Bucky now.  He had him more completely than he had ever had him back then.  He just missed seeing that smile that wasn’t weighed down with years of suffering.  He missed the way he could talk and talk and talk and always seem excited.  He missed how he got dragged out on dates he didn’t want to be on, with women who wouldn’t look twice at him.  He missed the Bucky he grew up with and he hated himself for it.

“What’re you doing?”  You asked as you and Bucky filed into the room, your arms laden down with shopping bags.

Steve looked up from the archive box he had open on the floor and smiled.  It wasn’t that he dwelled in the past.  There was a time he did.  When he first woke up it was like the only things he felt were a mixture of isolation, regret and a deep desire to one day fall asleep and wake up and find out it had all been some fever dream he had.  It wouldn’t be the first time he had one.  Or if that couldn’t happen, perhaps he could not wake up at all.

He had adapted though.  He had made the best for himself and truth be told he quite liked this new life.  He loved his new friends.  They were smart-mouthed and intelligent and didn’t take his shit.  He liked working for the Avengers.  Sometimes it felt like he might be trapped doing it.  That he was fighting the same fight over and over and there was nothing he could do, nothing would ever actually change.  Still, he did believe in the fight and if he could hold back the people that wanted to oppress others to some extent, he would.

Most of all he loved his life with you and Bucky.  You were like this breath of fresh air in his life.  Even though you hadn’t known him back when he was small, so he could never know for sure, he didn’t think you would have rejected him.  You were kind and your heart was open.  You had been so good for Bucky.  As much as he had wanted to be the only one Bucky needed, that wasn’t going to be the case.  Steve knew Bucky felt guilty about not being who he used to be, just like Steve felt guilty for missing him.  With you, Bucky would relax and be himself.  If it meant he was quiet and standoffish, you had a way that made him feel comfortable enough to do it.  You could reach out and make him feel wanted but also heard.  Steve was trying to learn that himself.  He really was.  For him, you were the future.  The promise of a life that maybe wasn’t the one he had expected, but the one he wanted and actually fit the person he was.

Bucky might not totally be the guy he missed.  He was in there though.  He was still fiercely loyal and had a strong need to protect people who were weaker than he was.  He was still loving.  He still loved new technology.  He was still a snarky little shit when he wanted to be.  He was a new person too.   There was a lot to love about the quiet Bucky.  The one that had gotten a new love for cooking and loved taking in stray pets.

So he didn’t dwell in the past.

He just missed it.

“I got a few boxes sent to me from the Smithsonian.”  He explained.  “I periodically ask for my stuff back.  They hate it.  They think it’s theirs, which is kind of what museums are known for I guess.  Unfortunately for them, they actually don’t have a leg to stand on.  So when I ask they go into their archive and send me some of the things they don’t think they’ll use.”

“Anything interesting?”  You asked taking a seat beside him.

“Oh yeah, this is a good lot.”  He said, taking out some photographs.  “There are some photos of us as kids.  Here look,”  He handed a photograph of the two of them as boys together at Brighton Beach.  “That was a good day.  We had fun.”

“Is that how you remember it?”  Bucky asked.  “I remember you not hearing when some guys kicked their football in your direction.  Wanting to fight them for calling you a jerk for not kicking it back.  It setting off your asthma which in turn made something happen to your heart and you passed out.  Your mom had a fit and we had to take you to the hospital.”

Steve dropped his eyes.  He’d forgotten that.  Health things he tended to box up and put to the side.  He hated remembering how painful it was to even exist before taking the serum.

He shuffled thing around and pulled out a small ring box.  “I got my mom’s engagement and wedding ring.”  He held out the box to you.  You took them and opened it looking at the simple bands sitting in the box.  “I’d always thought I might propose to someone with that.  I guess with…”  He indicated to the three of you.  “I won’t be doing that.”

Bucky took the box from you and looked at them.  “That’s cool.  I wonder who got my ma’s.”

Steve looked up at him.  “Becca maybe?”

Bucky nodded.  “Yeah.  I should look her up.  I just… she’s probably…”

Steve saw that loss in his eyes.  That feeling of missing out on a life he was supposed to have.  Steve put his hand on Bucky’s leg.  “Maybe, maybe not.  She might have had kids though.  You could be an uncle.”

Bucky furrowed his brow like he was mulling over what the implication of that was.  “Maybe you could give these to our kids one day.”

Steve tilted his head and assessed him for a second.  He pictured the potential of a life the three of you could have together.  Maybe a house and some room for the animals that Bucky had been talking about.  Kids.  Two or three.

“Buck, you ever just feel homesick for the past?”  He asked.

Bucky nodded.  “Sure.  Kinda had something really fucking shit happen to me that I wish hadn’t happened.”  He said.  “But I try not to focus on it.  I have both of you.  Didn’t have that back then.”

You smiled and ran your hands through Bucky’s hair and he leaned into it, humming softly.

“You had me back then,”  Steve said.

Bucky shook his head.  “No, I didn’t.  Not like this.  I wanted it, but you and I both know it wouldn’t have happened.  Even if we did get up the courage to live that way, how long would I have had you for?  You’re homesick for something that was never real.  This is.  Besides,”  He pulled you down into his lap and nuzzled into your neck.  “Someone wasn’t even their parent’s happy thought back then.”

You squealed and started giggling.  “Bucky!”

He kissed your cheek and you held out your hand to Steve.  He took it and leaned in against you both.  “I sometimes miss my home too.  It sucks you can’t go back.  I can tell you, whenever I do I just remember how far I’ve come and how glad I am that I’m not there anymore.  Sometimes you just need that.”  You said.

Steve looked at you and smiled softly.  “Maybe you could take the rings for now?”  He suggested.  “I mean, we can’t exactly all get married, but I feel like we already are.”

You put your hand to your heart.  “Really?”

“Yeah.  Really.  If you want to.”  Steve picked up the box and took the small gold band with the small round cut diamond set into it.  You offered him your hand and he slipped it on your finger.  The look of pure joy on your face at that moment.  How your eyes shimmered with tears that you were doing your best to hold back.  The way that Bucky wrapped his arms around your waist and nuzzled into your neck while his legs moved so they were draped over Steve’s lap.  They reminded Steve of what he had now.  What was real and tangible and not just hope for something that could have been or might be someday.  He had love and a family and a place in the world.  He needed to live in it.


End file.
